The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
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My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
How does one answer this?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot