The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
You Might Also Like
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost