Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

🙁

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8