The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
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I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*