Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.