The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
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He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.