The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
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Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.