Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Creative Problem Solving

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat