The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
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I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
