Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

The internet is magic sometimes.

No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

weddings should have a worst man

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.