Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.