The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
You don’t even know
Sounds like a real hoot.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
fair
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.