@Heldinchains

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

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@HousewifeOfHell

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

@kiiingsleyy

You ever had a pen that wrote so smooth you be hype about taking notes

@iwearaonesie

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

@1MeLrO

You think you got problems

I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti

Supper is ruined I tell you

@Breadery

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

@KattieCO_H

“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet

@sarbadi

I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.

@ValeeGrrl

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

@SkippyMcGizzard

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.