I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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You ever had a pen that wrote so smooth you be hype about taking notes
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
You think you got problems
I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti
Supper is ruined I tell you
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
“Shut the door, drop your pants, and get on top of me.” -My toilet
I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.