The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.


When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.


twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.


whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.


Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad


Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.


Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs


*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*


Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?


I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.