@Heldinchains

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

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@HousewifeOfHell

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

@nealbrennan

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

@bIondiewasabi

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

@blainecapatch

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

@jimmytorosian

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

@Crazy_ButCute2

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

@joeislamo

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

@drankturpentine

*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*

@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

@SondraDeeMe

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.