@Heldinchains

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

You Might Also Like

@Home_Halfway

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

@uncle_fescue

Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?

Me: no, it says “worked it”

I: worked what?

[disco ball drops]

[rips off pants]
Me: “it”

@Grommit56

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

@iRowlf

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

@TheMichaelRock

A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.

@Xalqee

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

@ginarush

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

@david8hughes

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@KentTheG

It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.