The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

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Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram


Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?

Me: no, it says “worked it”

I: worked what?

[disco ball drops]

[rips off pants]
Me: “it”


Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.


Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.


A bee just landed on my cheek and didn’t sting me. I think we’re dating now.


When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?


it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind


[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage


Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep


It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.