“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
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I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I’m aging like a fine banana
All generalizations are stupid.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“