Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

Why is this me 😫

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

this was very charming

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

This will never not be funny 😭

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Ooh I do like a good funnel

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.