The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
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I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Simple
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these