The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
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Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
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Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for