The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
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My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?