The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
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Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I will never stop laughing at this
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?