The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
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ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]