Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?