The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
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I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Yeah. This was me today.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?