Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

What.