the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”