the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
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The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet