The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Multitask? I can barely unitask
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more