The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.