The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
How I’d get arrested…
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”