Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.