The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
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Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
How can I say no to this ?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
