The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH