The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
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me, approximately 19 seconds after meeting someone.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.
My stint as an interpretive dance crossing guard didn’t last very long.
More bad news.
Apparently there is a thing called a wine stopper.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.