The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

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If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,


Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.


Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.


I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.


*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*


I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.