The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I like long walks away from everyone
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL