The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined