The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
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Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
All is fair in drunk and war.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.