Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

No.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN