The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
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The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Jurassic park gets weird
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350