The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
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I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Real 😅
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Okay
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.