The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?