The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
A short story of betrayal:
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?