The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.