The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
what’s more important?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”