Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”