Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]