Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.