Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.