The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples