The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)