The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
🤣🤣🤣
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.