Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose
“You shall not make for yourself an idol”
That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.
Cop: Turn around!
*leaves open can of tuna under my ex’s couch*