@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

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@Lhlodder

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

@theshamingofjay

If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell

@markedly

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

@JermHimselfish

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

@Lin_Baker

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

@alextranquada

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

@UnFitz

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

@usermcuserface

Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.
Cop: Turn around!
Me: Every..
*gets tased*