The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
You Might Also Like
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy