The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.