Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?