Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.