Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

ugh not again

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

#inspiration #foodforthought

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

I’ve been learning to cook.

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Fiction has to make sense.