The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.