The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
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After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
This a good idea
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this