The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
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My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about