The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.