The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
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“How’s your day going?”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Discuss
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
mandolin: finally a violin for men
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister