The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
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And bowling should be called pinball
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
my proudest tweet
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
i will avenge u mr van gogh
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures