The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened