How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
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VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
A ghost story
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
so i’m at the stock market right
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.