The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.