The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
WWE is French for “yes”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.