The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
He’s cranky this morning
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them