the only bumper sticker ill allow
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Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
this is 10/10 content no notes
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
oh you like nyc? name every rat
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials