Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

pain

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.