the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
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Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Truth
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.