the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
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My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.