the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
You Might Also Like
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
why would tinder want me to say this
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.