The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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Two types of dogs.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons