The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I am a gravy boat captain
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *