The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
You Might Also Like
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
She: I like Cats
He:
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive