Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

“Huge”.