The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Cat is stressing him out.
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.