the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
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Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I can’t deal with men any longer
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that